Becoming a father was one of the scariest ideas that was ever proposed to me. When I was married a long time ago she wanted to have children. I was not ready for that idea. My childhood was filled with a lot of pain and anger from my parents. My father beat me with a belt most everyday of my life. I remember going to bed at night crying standing in front of a night lite to see if I was bleeding this time. My mother used to call me names that no child should ever have to hear. I guess it was their way of handling their stress. I am just glad it was all focused on me and that my sisters did not have to experience that.
I had always heard that if you were beat as a child you are so much more likely to do it as an adult. I did not want to become my dad. I did not want to have my son be afraid of me and the pain that I could inflict on him and the scars that would be there for the rest of his life. I was afraid that if I got mad that I wouldn't be able to control myself. I was afraid that if I hit my son even one time that it would feel OK and that would open the door for me to keep going. I was so afraid that the rage would take over like it did with my father.
I had my first son. It was the scariest thing to me. I couldn't be happy about it because I was so afraid that I would become my worst fear. I have always wondered how if there was a God how could he allow a father to do this to his son. The only thing that I can say here is that I learned to be a great father in spite of my father. As time went by with my oldest son I learned that I didn't need to hit him to have him be a respectful and good young man. It is about being smarter not tougher. It wasn't long into our marriage that she decided to walk away from us. So irony at its best I didn't want to be a father and she "needed a baby" and here I was a single father twenty four seven. He was two when she walked out and life was never the same again. It was the first real test to see what I was made of. If that stress didn't turn me into my father then I would be OK. I made sure that I hugged him every day. When things happened like him getting hurt I tried to think like a mom and not a dad. I tried to kiss him more than I would have if mom was there. I wanted him to know that he was loved and to be able to see the soft side of love that a mom gives.
So fast forward to today. I am again a single father. I still love William with all my heart. I got to be happy this time when he was born. I knew that I could be a good father because I had done it. I am glad that I do not have to raise him by myself twenty four seven. His mom is there to provide the love of a mother. I will still give him that tender care that she would have given if she where there but I don't have to do it alone this time.
I know that I am not the best father in the world. I am just trying to be so much better than my father and I hope it starts a cycle where my boys try to be a better fathers than me. Then I would really consider myself a great father.
Here is to all of the single dads that are understated in this world of single moms that seem to get the spotlight. The dads that step up even when mom can't or doesn't. I also salute the dads that are the best dads they can be married, single or otherwise. Make a difference in your child's life today. They will not forget that just like I will never forget what my father did to me.
A father's love is strong,
His Loving Father
I had always heard that if you were beat as a child you are so much more likely to do it as an adult. I did not want to become my dad. I did not want to have my son be afraid of me and the pain that I could inflict on him and the scars that would be there for the rest of his life. I was afraid that if I got mad that I wouldn't be able to control myself. I was afraid that if I hit my son even one time that it would feel OK and that would open the door for me to keep going. I was so afraid that the rage would take over like it did with my father.
I had my first son. It was the scariest thing to me. I couldn't be happy about it because I was so afraid that I would become my worst fear. I have always wondered how if there was a God how could he allow a father to do this to his son. The only thing that I can say here is that I learned to be a great father in spite of my father. As time went by with my oldest son I learned that I didn't need to hit him to have him be a respectful and good young man. It is about being smarter not tougher. It wasn't long into our marriage that she decided to walk away from us. So irony at its best I didn't want to be a father and she "needed a baby" and here I was a single father twenty four seven. He was two when she walked out and life was never the same again. It was the first real test to see what I was made of. If that stress didn't turn me into my father then I would be OK. I made sure that I hugged him every day. When things happened like him getting hurt I tried to think like a mom and not a dad. I tried to kiss him more than I would have if mom was there. I wanted him to know that he was loved and to be able to see the soft side of love that a mom gives.
So fast forward to today. I am again a single father. I still love William with all my heart. I got to be happy this time when he was born. I knew that I could be a good father because I had done it. I am glad that I do not have to raise him by myself twenty four seven. His mom is there to provide the love of a mother. I will still give him that tender care that she would have given if she where there but I don't have to do it alone this time.
I know that I am not the best father in the world. I am just trying to be so much better than my father and I hope it starts a cycle where my boys try to be a better fathers than me. Then I would really consider myself a great father.
Here is to all of the single dads that are understated in this world of single moms that seem to get the spotlight. The dads that step up even when mom can't or doesn't. I also salute the dads that are the best dads they can be married, single or otherwise. Make a difference in your child's life today. They will not forget that just like I will never forget what my father did to me.
A father's love is strong,
His Loving Father
ReplyDeleteWhat I took from the author :
The author appears to be a good man , with a solid moral compass. The author is aware. The moment the author chose to be aware of his fear was the moment the cycle of abuse ended. Neither of the authors two progeny experienced his adolescent nightmares of abuse and loss of self. And because the author took great care to not repeat the mistakes of his parents - there is no cycle to pass to his offspring.