With everything that happened this last year and a half, my goal has been to put my feelings here for you to read. I hope that one day you come back and see the pain and the joy of your life through my eyes. I want you to see the pain and joy of my life too. I want you to see how much I care about the people around me. I want you to see the sorrow of the ending with your mother and the love that I had for her. I also want you to see the new beginnings that happen for us too. I want to put them here so in a few years you can look back and see them from a different perspective. Your brain is 6 years old and processes things different than it will when your 16 or 26. I want to give you my perspective on things that happened in your life so you can look back and laugh at some of the things that you had totally wrong in your head.
My greatest gift to you other than loving you is to give you my heart. I put it out here every time I sit down to write. I want to tell you the things that I am afraid to tell you in person. I want to tell you the things that you would not understand right now. I just want you to be able to look back and read through these words and get to know the man that is your father and your friend once you are an adult. If you sit and read even one of these entries and you can say to yourself "I never knew that about my father". Then I was successful. If you can say that "I never knew you felt that way", again I was successful. If you see the pain that lives inside me because of my father, my uncle and your mother, then I was successful. If you see the joy that you brought into my life then I was successful.
Life is like climbing a mountain. Every person has a mountain to climb. Not everyone makes it to the top. Some people have bigger mountains to climb than others and you started with a bigger mountain than most. Sometimes you fall down the mountain and slide down its face. You will get bumps a bruises. You might even get a scar or two along the way or you might even get broken along the way. Some people fall off or give up on climbing and that is sad to be a part of. The struggle to get to the top is overwhelming at times. I have seen big boulders fall toward my head. I have had days where I didn't want to climb any more but I pushed on anyway. I have had people try to push me off of my mountain but I am still here and I am still climbing. There have been times when it was cold and it felt like I was the only one climbing. There have been times when it felt like no matter where I grabbed I was on ice and was ready to fall, but the summer will come. The ice will melt and you can continue your climb. Your mountain is going to be high. Your struggle will be tough too. Just don't be afraid to keep climbing. I'm sure if you look around you are going to see me pulling you up for as long as I am alive. I'm not sure if we ever get to the top and enjoy the view or we just die climbing. I want to see if there is a top and I know the times in my life when I have looked to see the view it has always been better.
I hope to be standing on top looking at the view someday with you,
Your Loving Father
My greatest gift to you other than loving you is to give you my heart. I put it out here every time I sit down to write. I want to tell you the things that I am afraid to tell you in person. I want to tell you the things that you would not understand right now. I just want you to be able to look back and read through these words and get to know the man that is your father and your friend once you are an adult. If you sit and read even one of these entries and you can say to yourself "I never knew that about my father". Then I was successful. If you can say that "I never knew you felt that way", again I was successful. If you see the pain that lives inside me because of my father, my uncle and your mother, then I was successful. If you see the joy that you brought into my life then I was successful.
Life is like climbing a mountain. Every person has a mountain to climb. Not everyone makes it to the top. Some people have bigger mountains to climb than others and you started with a bigger mountain than most. Sometimes you fall down the mountain and slide down its face. You will get bumps a bruises. You might even get a scar or two along the way or you might even get broken along the way. Some people fall off or give up on climbing and that is sad to be a part of. The struggle to get to the top is overwhelming at times. I have seen big boulders fall toward my head. I have had days where I didn't want to climb any more but I pushed on anyway. I have had people try to push me off of my mountain but I am still here and I am still climbing. There have been times when it was cold and it felt like I was the only one climbing. There have been times when it felt like no matter where I grabbed I was on ice and was ready to fall, but the summer will come. The ice will melt and you can continue your climb. Your mountain is going to be high. Your struggle will be tough too. Just don't be afraid to keep climbing. I'm sure if you look around you are going to see me pulling you up for as long as I am alive. I'm not sure if we ever get to the top and enjoy the view or we just die climbing. I want to see if there is a top and I know the times in my life when I have looked to see the view it has always been better.
I hope to be standing on top looking at the view someday with you,
Your Loving Father
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